A peek into my notes app...

As a writer, an introvert, and a natural born "go with the flow" kind of person, it goes against everything in me to write on a schedule or try to manufacture what it is I write. (Also why there will probably never be a consistent publishing schedule.) Writing has always been first and foremost the way I process a very crazy world around me. To keep the integrity of that process, I write when I feel I have something to say. Each thought finds it's beginning in the top secret, modern day diary: the notes app.

Whether it be grocery lists, future baby names, to do lists, important notes, workout progression, passwords; I could learn more about a person by what is in their notes app than I could by looking at someone's instagram profile.

The first time I ripped away the fear of putting thoughts down on paper, it was as a middle school girl, using her notes app to write long obnoxious letters to boys who don't care, but a long time ago I was a little girl who had such a big heart and so much love to give to anyone and everyone, though dramatic she found that notes app to be a place of refugee and slowly her emotions stopped being so big and scary. Actually, they didn't seem all that unreasonable but besides the point.

Being stubborn and convinced I could do no wrong, many of the long paragraphs to ex friends and ex boyfriends were sent. Though, reading them I can't stop but cringing at the amount of emotion a 16 year old girl put into a 2 week "talking stage."But beyond the cringing at my naive younger self, I am able to look back and smile at a girl who cared so much and did all she could: write.

I would never go back and apologize for any of the notes that see the light of day, but its the one's that don't see the light that are the most interesting. Reading the long lists that were important enough to write down like:

A list of things I don't understand: microwaves, pigeon carriers, left and right vs east and west, wind, etc. A bucket list I made with my room mate for the summer she decided she didn't want to be friends any more. A list of my favorite short stories by Edgar Allen Poe, plays I must see on Broadway before I die, my "to be read list" concerts I'd sacrifice my family to go see. A shameful list of Taylor Swift songs paired to each ex boyfriend and the classic list of baby names.

And quotes from authors I can't truly wrap my mind around but stuck with me for some reason:"That the ghastly extremes of agony are endured by man the unit, and never by man the mass- for this let us thank a merciful God!"

And the intoxicated thoughts from high school that make no sense whatsoever but felt like a crazy epiphany at the time:"The thing about is America is we were built on the whole “melting pot” mindset and eventually one culture begins to take over and it’s a formation of a brand new culture. And American culture begins to form, the original cultures were erased... "

A personal favorite of my notes: "The Barbie quote list: (all quotes that left me speechless the first time I watched the film)

1. I’m a man with no power does that make me a woman?

2. You’re either brainwashed or weird and ugly

3. Men hate women and women hate women it’s the one thing we can all agree on

4. You can tell them you’ve never seen the godfather and ask them to explain it

5. Come on in, I’ll play the guitar at you

6. When I found out the patriarch wasn’t about horses I lost interest anyway

7. I was created to exist only in your gaze, without it I would just be another blonde guy

8. Let’s have a company retreat and just tickle each other “Do me!”

9. I wanna be the one imagining not the idea"

But it's in the obscure ideas and short statements that I find the most inspiration, I can easily see the ideas and thoughts that plague my mind when I can't sleep (literally). Many restless nights I found the notes app to be comforting in the night, though in an obvious state of delusion:"Education has always been a privilege and higher education for a long time was something only the wealthy and high class would attend. There was a price for education and it cost status. Eventually, college became more and more accessible therefore the value of the degree is lessened.  wait i think that’s inflation? or why we can’t print money? some econiomic principle that has to do with supply and demand and the wealthy and morally corrupt are the only ones that rule doesn’t apply to because they can always afford the price"

The notes app is where I find my safe place and I fill each digital note with something that strikes, something that moves a piece of me. The inspiration striking from everything around me and the reality I experience: "If we were in a book, this would be the moment, the moment the girl closes the door and smiles with her hair brushing the cold wall behind her trying to bring herself back down to reality." One of my favorite memories through this life, I can recall the smile that sits upon my face as I type those words. I see the face of the man who walked out the door, and now I know he walked back in.

From simple notes that I can easily explain away like:"From journalism to creative writing going from politics to imagination" In a time where it had just become obvious where my true passion in life lies, when big decisions regarding my future career loom. I know this was the start of my own confidence in that decision. Though a bit hesitant to disregard what I spent most the past 4 years planning on doing, in this one simple thought it is a no brainer. I was not built for politics, though opinionated I have no desire to spend my time arguing with people I have no respect for, writing articles for a particular audience. I write for no audience, it is not who I am. I write to create a world better than the one I live in (which I believe politics to be a root issue of but I digress).

To the questions of the universe, that I could never truly answer but can enjoy spending my time dissecting:

"WHO and what is a revolution?"

"To some pain implies growth but what happens when it is actually detrimental?"

"If falling in love is the superficial act of enjoying the way someone makes you feel how do you know it's real?"

“What pain do you want in your life? What are you willing to struggle for?” Because that seems to be a greater determinant of how our lives turn out.”

My personality shines brightest not through facebook, instagram, or snapchat. I feel the most beautiful not in the most expensive clothes. I heal the most not in a therapists office. I find God not in the church pews. I find it in all the inspiration around me, I find it in the things important enough to make a note of.

I find my story in letters I wrote about other people, I find answers in the questions I can't answer, I find contentment for this life in my bucket lists, I find I am most beautiful in the pain I once held. I found where I am going, who is important, and the person I want to be.

Although I found a shit ton of embarrassing, heart wrenching, idiotic, and weird shit in my notes app, looking back I can see exactly how it was the start of how I learned to grow up. And maybe I'm alone there, maybe I am the only one who uses their notes app that religiously but as mine hold secrets it will never tell, may yours as well.